I didn't think i would ever do this but i have to comment on a movie.
I went to the movies the other night with a friend and have to say

DON'T GO SEE Mel's 'ACOPOLYPTO'.

Oh my, what a senseless, hopeless, viscous, bloody depressing film.
There, i said it. My movie review. (Mind you, i like Pulp fiction and TLOTR movies and Magnolia)

Sorry. I really wish the images would be blotted out of my memory!

Pause. Read this slow.

As some of us drift we look around. And sometimes, just sometimes we look up.

In the vastness of space, in the infinite array of stars, in the galaxies upon galaxies, in the endless miles, no, light years we cannot even glimpse the end of the universe. In the immeasurable space where our galaxy gets lost, let alone our planet, we as individuals are puny, unrecognizable, yet we live like we are all that matters, like everything revolves around us. Me.

And yet, in all this, even though we are so ridiculously small, God, the Creator of all, not only was mindful that we exist, but choose to come here and be one of us. And then he did the unthinkable he died for us.

Now i have been feeling small and lost and have found out that i am not alone, in fact many feel the same way in their Christianity, in their relationship with God. I now have been reminded that i am small, insignificantly tiny compared to the scope of the universe, in the size and scope of a God i still don't understand. And yet---and yet He not only is mindful of me, but He loves a speck like me. He came for me, He lived for me, He died for me. He...for me and for a moment i don't feel so small, so lost. I may not be able to understand Him, or grasp all He is or all He's done for me but this i can do, i can hold Jesus the baby. I can imagine and feel the love of a baby. I can get my mind and arms around an infant. Maybe that is why God sent him to us as a baby.

This season hold the baby. Start there. If you haven't held a baby lately, go find one and grab it. (ask the mother first :) And as you gaze in the eyes look for God.

Merry Christmas everyone.

My Dad and I were driving back from somewhere the other day and he casually mentioned, 'i read your blog and you sound..uh, uhm....(silence)...', at which point i interrupted and said, 'Adrift?'. That was basically the extent of our conversation. I am not knocking my Dad, he is a wonderful guy and he and i are close. Funny though, how when we go through times of doubt or pain or 'adriftness' we really don't have anything to say to each other that doesn't sound...well, pithy. I thank my Dad for not saying anything scripted or cliche and continue adrift.

I had spent the week previously driving some 2000+ miles to help with the renovations on my aunt and uncle's new house, making it wheelchair friendly. It was a lot of miles and work but it was fun and i really enjoyed the time doing something. The doing was who i was being for that period of time. I was enlightened on what my cousin Micheal's life is like now as a quadriplegic after an accident and really appreciate his openness. Strange, i think the time helped me more than them. I enjoy being a helper and not just in the physicality of life but in its living.

My Dad later mentioned to Cami that possibly i am depressed...well, possibly but i don't think so. Looking at my situation from a few hundred miles has helped for the simple fact that i am not here indefinitely and in fact, a few months or even years is nothing and will pass quickly as long as i get off my donkey and move (or row in reference to my last entry).

So as i begin rowing again i asked myself 'is this worth even writing', should i even bother to have a blog, is anyone listening? And my answer came quickly and clearly. Yes. So much of life is not spoken, so many good words, hard sayings and encouraging words are left adrift and not put to sea to another person also on this ocean journey of life. It is like we are afraid of being real, authentic or ...connected with others. So i am going to keep on writing for myself to process and hopefully find someone out there who needs to hear what i have to say. It is strange, we like to talk about the weather, sports and the latest sales but often don't talk about what is going in deep in our souls. We hesitate possibly because we don't know what to say. I believe the words are endless and need to be spoken. I also believe often the response should be one of empathy, not answers.
So i am rowing. Searching again to connect with God and fellow travelers. Thanks for listening and for those who empathize or join me, thanks. For those who simply read or take, enjoy the ride and don't forget, you are loved.

Have you ever been lost at sea? How about stuck on hold indefinitely? Well, for the past few weeks I have. Between fall coming here to New England, my aunt passing away, one of my best friend's wife having a miscarriage and being caught in this seemingly endless delay to go to Africa I am lost.

I have had days were I just imagine that I am making the biggest mistake of my life and now having a family the weight of that thought is larger than ever. I have cried out of sheer desperation knowing that I do not have what it takes to do the work there and I will surely fail. I have felt guilty for being stuck here waiting. I have been angry at myself for during this time when I should be seeking God, drawing from my faith and the peace that lives in me, instead I fret and whine and complain...Or get angry and mad...Or throw a pity party...Or am overwhelmed by guilt for not being who I should be.

So, have you ever been lost at sea? How about left on an island? It feels...lonely. Now, don't get me wrong I am not asking for 'revelation' like John got on Patmos nor am I like Paul (a prisoner) shipwrecked on some other island, nor, do I feel like I am disobeying God and need to be kicked off a ship and swallowed by a giant fish. I just want a bone, something to chew on, something, anything.

I think I have said it before, I want an authentic faith and I want a God who listens to me. Because He wants to, not because of anything I do. More specifically because of who I am in Jesus has made it possible that even with all the things I do do He still wants to talk with me.

So God if you are listening, here I am. I am waiting. I will try to better about the selfishness thing and about feeling sorry for myself, but just let me know what I should be doing. The island is starting to look a little too familiar if you know what I mean.

If you find yourself on an island, granted my situation is strange, I am with you brother/sister. You are not alone. And really, God is with you too, you just may not realize it... funny, i spend a lot of time in introspection and meditation but it is hard to got off myself and think of God or others. So that is where i am going to begin, not to avoid the island experience, but to look at it form another perspective.

So i am going to go do some good deeds and start at least rowing, even if i don't know where!

Jill
My favorite, closest aunt died two weeks ago. It came an s a surprise even though we all knew her death was imminent. She had battled terminal cancer for three years with grace and a bit of style. Whenever her doctor would allow she went on trips including a cross-country trip during which she visited many of her friends. She was a generous person with all her resources, she cherished her relationships with everyone and more than many, lived her life with compassion and deliberateness. I will miss her. Jill was one of a kind.

What I don’t know is if she knew Jesus. I know she knew of and about him, she attended church all her life, she followed the ‘rules’ of the Christian life and did many good things, but I don’t know if she had a relationship with him. I also don’t think it is important that I know….all I want, selfishly, is to know I will see her again. The Bible never talks of having a relationship with Jesus yet he speaks through the gospels as if we should be intimate with Him (“if you know me you will know the father who sent me…”and other references in John). It seems to me if we live like him, we will know him, but there holds something even more in the Christian life. So, maybe she is in heaven, sitting at the feast table, staring into the eyes of Jesus getting her questions answered.

I have been slack lately in pursuing my relationship with him. I have been lazy and preoccupied. But maybe, just maybe, he hasn’t. Does God act on our behalf? Does he seek us out? Does he care when we don’t take the time to know him? I believe the answer is yes and even more so I believe he wants to know us, he wants us to be like him. HE reminds us if we listen, if we are paying attention.

I was surprised by the quick end to my aunts’ life and as I reflect I do not want people to wonder if weather or not I know Jesus. But to do this I need to take the time, be deliberate and value all my relationships. I will start with him…

Thank you Jill. Enjoy the party.

This Ben, my younger guy who has absolutely no problem living in the moment!

Harmony…synchronicity

I recently read someone talking about being in tune, being in harmony with their surroundings. And thought if we handle situations as they come and maintain a certain composure we will be in sync because…here it is, what happens around us is not happening in us.

I don’t want to be in snyc with the world, I don’t want to be at peace with my surroundings necessarily. I would rather have inner peace which can transcend my surroundings, that can get beyond the horrors of war, suffering and pain. I want an inner peace that takes those things, those cicumstances and reaches deeper and prays and cares for the sick and wounded. I don't want to ignore the poverty or wealth, the joy or anguish but i want to bring it to the love the of God…as if i could be Christ brindging the gap... kind of like what He did often inthe gospels.

I want to be the kind of person and that lives in the in the moment, that can live in any situation with the state of my soul being in snyc with what really matters. Going beyond myself and reaching the situation and more importantly, the people around me.

I think this is how Christ was. He did see the needs around him but wasn’t over wrought or disconcerted. In fact when he did express his sorrow or cry it was because he felt the despair of others, and even over Jerusalem he shared the grief and love the father has for His people.

Interesting. Most new age and even many Christians are now saying we should live in peace and harmony with our world. We should ‘be at one’ and ‘have harmony with those around us’. Maybe harmony isn’t the right word. Maybe we should speak into the pain, confusion and emptiness around us. Maybe we should be coming from another place. A place where Christ rules our hearts. Where self-sacrifice is king. Where what happens in this world isn't accepted but addressed and brought to the grace, mercy and love of God.

I want to live in each moment without regret of not doing something or fear of what is to happen next. This is what I want. I want to be, an ever-present, real person in sync with my creator, dispensing librally the love and joy of God to all around me....

I have a long way to go (obviously)

I cannot not comment today on a phrase I have been hearing lately. I was speaking to a fellow believer today and she mentioned that her friend was a 'good Christian women' and on the news I heard a reporter commenting that it was sad to hear some 'good Christian girls' had been talking about how many men they had slept with. Now, don't get me wrong, it is a shame young Christian women do not follow the teachings of their faith (or lie about breaking them to fit in) and there are certainly believers who follow closer to the ways of Jesus than others. But my question or problem really is this, are any of really 'good'.

I know myself and I can tell you that I suck. I make mistakes and fail to live as Jesus taught daily, does this make me 'bad'. No. I believe as scripture teaches that we all suck (read the book of Romans) and don't live up to the way God intended and in fact cannot even approach Him without help--serious help. The difference between the follower of Jesus (like me) and those who choose not follow, is that we believe Jesus has made a way, through his perfection, death and resurrection we can now not only approach God but have a living relationship with Him. The unbelievers on the other hand cannot have this relationship.

Does this make me or any believer BETTER than the unbelievers. No. In fact our similarities are still present and our passion should be to introduce them to Jesus and what he has done for us, not out of a superiority complex or pity but out of humility knowing who we are and love and gratitude to Jesus.

Okay, I rant. It just seems to me in such a 'Christian culture' as the USA it sounds at times that we have lost the essence of our faith and begin to make the call of 'good' and 'bad' by our own standards. Isn't that God's job?

By the way, I may suck but I tell you God sure loves me, and for that I am and will be eternally grateful! If you want to know this love let me know!

Okay, i was feeling deep and reflective...even zen-like yesterday and then i returned to life, Ben (my 6mth old) burst an eardrum, my beautiful/wonderful wife is near exhaustion from traveling and dealing with both our guys for weeks on end solo and on top of that we have buckets of junk to take care of before we leave again for africa next month. NEXT MONTH! (picture me running around with underwear on my head pretending it is all a dream the whole time singing loudly Where the streets have no names by U2). I have had a lot of time on my hands lately mostly driving and more driving, but i have begun to think again and get my mind, no, my soul back in order.

I have been thinking about 'being' (scroll down)and as a follower of Jesus this 'being' can be demanding at times and rather daunting if one is not careful and i was thinking, why? Well, after a few more hours in the car by my lonesome, another light has dawned in this mud of mine, that the only person i need to be, in fact the best person i could possibly ever be is who God intended. Sounds simple and in some ways it is. As a christian i have learned the 'ways' of being a christian and following God through the scriptures and christian tradition, as spiritual person i have also learned to hear the voice of God in my soul, to follow those 'urges'and see Him all around. Now here is the crux, the beauty of it, all the other voices, all of them, tv, friends, religion, culture and whatever this world trys to sell me, is crap. I am free to ignore it. I don't have to be rich or famous or even successful by the same standards of 'the world'. I am free. I am free to be radical in my living, in my generosity, in my devotion to my family and love for the outcast and stranger. As a follower of Jesus there are 'ways' Jesus taught his people to be...and they really don't have anything to do with the 'ways' of this world. In fact they are often contrary.
Now, this may not be news to anyone, but it is funny how quickly i begin to think the 'rules' apply to me and i adjust my way of following Jesus so as to please both. I urge you, don't do it. Be the weirdo. Be all that God intends you be and relax. By the way, as a follower of Christ the scripture tells us that He choose us. He CHOOSE us...meaning He believes we can be who God intends us to be, He believes we can BE like Him...hmm
So, i am back to my larger world and will go be with Toby and help with the baby and sort our possesions and write letters....and during it all i hope i can continue to be the guy God wants me to be...becuase you kow, i can.

Okay...sorry for the absence. Been traveling a bit. Left Portugal 18 days ago and 5400 miles later finds me in West Palm Beach, FL visiting friends and family. It has been a great trip although all of us (Cami, Toby and Ben) are showing some fatigue of sleeping in different beds and seeing so many people!

As i have always done when i come through here, i take a drive through Palm Beach (pronounced paaauuulm beach-with that snobby nasal sound) and visit Donald (Trump)...well at least drive by his house and see the atlantic from this side (looks the same everytime). Haven't actually gone to the beach and don't plan to, but who knows. I leave to drive back up to CT sunday...i digress.

So as i drove around Palm Beach and to be honest, went thrift store shopping, and was thinking about all the folks behind their big beautiful hedges and fences, in their big beautiful houses and I thought, 'what would they do if i drove up and just said, hi, i am Kevin, here to see you'. Well, they would most likely promptly send me away and/or call the police. You see, no-one i know is that impressed with me. No-one i know has that kind of wealth. And no-one would be ushering me in like royalty. Fine. Okay.

But what if they did. What if in fact the butler came running out of the house, yelled at the gatekeeper to quickly open the gate and chased me down the street, 'please, please, Kevin, the master of the house wants to see you. He can't let you go by without seeing you...'. You can imagine the dream. Better yet, what if the master himself came running after me as i passed by...

Well. What if God did that? Do i think He would? Do i deserve it? Well acording to my faith and what i read in the Bible I believe He really does love me and want me to 'come in'. He longs to see me...us, each and every one of us. He has been chasing me back inside for a long time...and somehow i always end up outside the gate messing around...i think it is time to go inside.

Anyway, listen to Him. GO inside, take a seat, relax. Let Him care for you, rest, enjoy Him. I know for myself it has been a while and i can hear Him yelling at me, 'hey, where are you going?' Funny. He really thinks me royalty. Prince Kevin, sounds strange, but i kind of like it. All i need to do now is let everyone else know He wants to see them....

Until next time...
His
Kevin

We are ending our time here in Porto, Portugal and have returned to our apartment to pack and clean and Sunday am we head home to visit all our family and friends and then head on to Mozambique in October. It has been a busy few weeks. This last week we spent at a Christian camp on the coast. It was restful and quiet. We felt priveledged to be part of their time. There were things for Toby to do and no expectations for the family other than to enjoy ourselves and rest.

I was able to take some time for myself as well and ended up on the bluffs that overlook the seemingly endless ocean. The first time I went I found a small shell and had some deep thoughts as to how it got there and how it could not have gotten there alone. I was moved as the journey Cami and I have been on for the last....Well, our journey has lead us many places and through some pretty dark valleys and now we find ourselves on the edge again, looking out at a new horizon, eager and wondering what God has in store for us now and the years to come. But we know for a fact we have not gotten here alone. We have had the support of friends and family, direct and indirect leading from God, even seeming distractions from satan (which God used for our good!). We are not here, we are not moving on alone. We are cognizant and aware of our ties to all around us, all we leave behind and all we travel to. It is a wonderful feeling.
Well, lest I ramble, as I looked closer at the shell I thought to myself, 'you know, this could be a snail shell...Okay, forget it'. And I proceeded to bury the thoughts and not tell anyone.
The second time I went there, different place, sat down and at my feet as I sat was a small shell. An small round limpet shell. Definitely not a snail shell! Couldn't help to think, maybe I didn't get there by myself either.
So, if you, like me, ever feel alone, remember, there is no way you got to where you are alone. And where ever you are going...Don't go alone!

The Bible tells of the birds of te air, how they don't sow or reap and how God takes care of them. And goes on tell that we shouldn't worry as God will also take care of us even more so as we are more important to God and have relationship with God. Now, I can attest to this first hand and also saythat often God takes care of His people in ways that seemingly do not make sense. His ways are not only above us but often paradoxical to our way of thinking....ok.

Well, at this moment I am not worried, but wish I were a bird. We are in the process of sorting, packing, giving away and traveling from Porto, Portugal to the United States and then on to Mozambique. We are glad to be moving on but honestly moving a family of four is gruelling and at the same time exciting. We are trying to look at the process as a big adventure yet are tired form the beginning. next week we will conclude our language learning by attending a Christian family camp at the beach. Then, next sunday we fly away home to see all our friends and relatives.

If you pray, pray for us. If you would like to meet us, let us know. Check our website itinerary at camikevin@groups.msn.com , we may be coming to a city near you!

Pensive, doubting, fearful heart...mine.

I listened to this today and was stuck again by the words and sentiments that although God may indeed seem far away or even be castizing us...He is not too far and will without fail return and restore us. This has happened to me. (If you go to our website you can read the story of the loss of our daughter Tabitha) Although restoration has come in unexpected ways and much slower than i had hoped, God has been faithful to me and i thank Him for that.

Read the lerics, they are form an old hymn (Gatsby Hymns)

Pensive, doubting, fearful heart, hear what Christ the Savior says;
Every word should joy impart, change thy mourning into praise.
Yes, He speaks and speaks to thee, may He help thee to believe;
Then thou presently will see, thou hast little cause to grieve.
Fear thou not, nor be ashamed; All thy sorrows soon shall end,
I, who heaven and earth have framed, Am thy Husband and thy Friend;
I the High and Holy One, Isreal's God, by all adored.
As thy Savior will be known, Thy Redeemer and thy Lord.
For a moment I withdrew, and thy heart was flled with pain;
But my mercies I'll renew; Thou shall soon rejoice again;
Though I seem to hide my face, very soon my wrath shall cease;
'Tis but for a moment's space, ending in eternal peace.
Though aflicted, tempest tossed, comfortless awhile thou art,
Do not think thou canst be lost, art graven on my heart;
All thy wastes I will repair; Thou shalt be built anew;
And in thee it shall appear what the God of love can do.

(I just thought the picture was nice...it is of my older boy Toby and his Mom)

Well, after much ado, here i am. I have been unsuccessfully attempting to write meaningful things and communicate to my friends for years now. But it wasn't until i learned blogging wasn't for computer wizzes that i have now started.

So to begin, i will try to communicate my thoughts unrehearsed and unashamedly. My faith is my own, a gift i recieved many moons ago and if you don't agree or like it....well, tough. I believe the Bible to be true and applicable to our lives today. I also believe there are many different interpretations and many are not worth arguing about. I believe that many years people and the Christian church have argued and divided over issues of little or no importance. I believe that the stronger individual (having faith and conviction) can tolerate and accept those of limited tolerance or forberance. It is funny that those who preach acceptance don't accet the people who claim to be 'right'...

Anyway, here i am. I have lived in Africa and studied the religions of the Bantu people group. I perfer living in Africa than to the US as the later seems to be completely overwelmed wth Postmodern Me-ism.

I want to live my life in such a way as not to be avoiding the obvious nor overwelmed by it. I want to love the way Jesus taught (yikes--it is tough), and i want to be free.


So, until i feel the urge to purge.
God loves you and i will try my best