My Kingdom sucks.

I have been feeling pretty good lately and then i realized my kingdom was in disarray, frazzled, chaos. I hadn't spent time with my children..nor did i really want to. My wife threw her back out while managing virtually everything with a bad knee (torn ACL and meniscus) and myself spiritually speaking, was pretty...well dead. Dried up. Tired. Don't get me wrong things are happening, the work is picking up pace, Moz'es are catching the idea of TEE and are excited. Classes have started but will triple in a few weeks. And yet my kingdom (King-of-Dumb maybe)is a mess. Funny. I thought for a while things were good, stuff was getting done, food was on the table, we got through each day...but i wasn't looking closely at my family, my friends, those i care for.

So i started thinking. What should my kingdom look like. Now i talk about kingdom and i think 'sphere of influence', not physical kingdom. What does my immediate world look like? What does the world i influence really consist of. Now for the most part my kingdom is functional and healthy. Yes, we have our problems but no-one is dying presently (in my mind losing a loved one is the only truly bad day). I had gotten meds for my street kid in the city and am trying to find him a ride home to his family. I have organized my classes and have a good plan set in motion. I am being proactive and trying to address issues that most likely will not occur for another year. So why then do i feel like things such a mess. Maybe because my greatest error was what i thought this kingdom should look like or more likely should i have a kingdom of my own t all! I thought i was in control, that i could deal with stuff and handle situations when in truth, when i try, things usually get worse. For example my careful planning has hit nothing but delays, my wife's health continues to limp along and last night my eldest, Toby (5yr old) came down with some pretty bad croup...my darling wife goes and (doesn't) sleep next to him and i start thinking maybe i am missing something here. We have bickered more lately and i have been short tempered with the boys and less apt to listen to them. I kept thinking what happens to me doesn't effect those around me. When in fact my heart, my attitude greatly affect all those around me. So what should my kingdom look like? What do i expect it to look like when i am a mess?

So i went back to the Book. It says Jesus was near his home town and the surrounding area and after a while he started saying stuff like, 'the kingdom of God is like a...juice box'. Ok, so he didn't day 'juice box' but what he did say is just as weird to me. All three synoptic gospels (those that are similar and agree for the most part) mention the interaction in which Jesus says the kingdom of God is like a mustard seed, yeast, a treasure, a merchant or pearl and a net. In all inferences there seems to be something missing. The big, flashy, awe-inspiring WOW of the greatness of the kingdom. Although one is treasure it is buried and kept hidden withinthe filed. In each of the others the kingdom is diminutive and small (yeast and seed) or at best it costly but not real noticeable (pearl). I wonder on this because i always thought kingdoms, 'spheres of influence' would be noticeable, like a big neon sign over your head.
"YOU ARE NOW ENTERING THE KINGDOM OF...BE YE INFLUENCED ". I kept thinking it was mine...that i knew how to manage a kingdom. I read the books on being influential and leadership...i fell for the lies.

In all my plans, all my 'influence', i never sought to be inconspicuous. I wanted to be noticed, if not noticed, at least influential, when all along Jesus was saying 'serve', 'do it quietly', 'be like me, incredibly powerful but never drawing attention to my self.' So, i have ended up back on my knees realizing to lead i need to serve, to guide and influence my children, my wife, my teammates and students, i have to become LESS. More than that i need to be living for another King...and His kingdom, His way.

So maybe it isn't my kingdom at all that i need to find. Maybe i will find His kingdom kneeling next to kid as he sleeps and praying over him. Or doing the dishes and organizing the dinner so my wife won't have to think about it. Maybe it is about treating those things/people who are dearest to me with the utmost gentleness and care...and doing it quietly. Maybe in this kingdom--His kingdom there should be limit to how loud one should be. Maybe, just maybe, I will find those things which are most dear, those pearls, treasures in the quiet--revolutionary kingdom. Being a servant i will find others receive peace and worth and joy. When i treasure those moments with friends or the laughing with Toby and Ben, then i will be a good influence. Remember the inference to a net, maybe when i spread kindness and dare i say sacrificial love, like a net falling where it may i will affect others. I tell you this sounds a lot easier than having to rule a kingdom and have it all figured out and be in control (in a controlling way). There is freedom and joy in this kingdom. Peace and reliance on God in this kind of living.

Now that would be a place i want to live. I'm giving it a new try....