Lifer

I have been a prisoner here for a long time, so long in fact all the walls have fallen down and i no longer know where my oppressors are or can even find a sign of a guard or warden. But fortunately i no longer need one. I have become so accustomed to this prison that i cannot leave. I think i like the solitude and isolation. I haven't spoken to anyone about my crime for a long time and have almost forgotten what it is. The fact is, i am comfortable here in my private little hell. Is that language to strong for you, so sorry. But, this is hell, i am isolated from those who love me. My heart is cold, beyond hurting. My tears have all been cried in a thousand attempts of rationalization, explanation and finally penance. Strangely though, i could never quite let go of the feeling of guilt. It is like i want to let go and get out of here but can't. I guess i have convinced myself i can't get out.

So here i sit. In a jail, staring at a wall with only a barred window. Funny, i heard i was actually set free long ago but couldn't believe it, so i stayed. In fact, part of me likes being guilty because then i am in control. Kind of messed up huh? I know. But if i accept this pardon, if i become free, then i am duty bound to be thankful to my liberator. So i would rather struggle through this crape by myself, remaining alone. Some would call my process 'self righteousness'. I don't know what this means, but i have a feeling it doesn't work. I do think it is easier to live here in this prison, forgetting about what i have done and just live this dismal life, than come to terms with a liberator.

But i am intrigued. This liberator. Who is this? What is in it for him? Nothing but knowing me? Strange dude. And he has the authority and power to free me...hmm. Wow, he must have some kind of connections. What, you say he didn't use them. He WHAT? You're shitn' me. He wants to take my place and set me free? This guy is crazy. What, his dad is the guy in charge, the guy who set the rules. And it is his DAD who wants to know me? Weird. But there must be another way he could have pulled this off. Wow. I am mystified. Not sure i can trust a self-sacrificing powerful individual, than again i certainly don't trust myself anymore either!

But, back to me. So, i have sat here in my filth for a long time. I know i can't get up and move on my own at this point. It is going to take a lot more than i have to offer. Like i said, i tried this self-righteous thing and it didn't work. I used to look around and see others here and think i wasn't so bad, but recently i can't find anyone...then i tried to earn my way out of here but couldn't shake the guilt thing. No matter what i did i just couldn't get rid of it. In the end i just felt more defeated and weaker than when i started. So, i sit.

Good. What do mean good!? You're saying my weakness is my hero's greatest strength and in fact his key to setting me free? So, if i don't get to the place where i know i can't escape, if i don't admit i am never going to be able to get myself free, i never will be? Geesh. Sounds confusing.

In a nutshell, the big cheese, head honcho, sends his kid in my place but it will only work if i admit i need him. Unbelievable. Strange to think all this time i have been thinking i would someday do it on my own. I thought it was the only way out. But you're telling me the very weakness i am afraid to admit, the very fear and inadequacy i hate to admit is my ticket to freedom. And this freedom isn't just a ticket out of this stinkhole but actually a invitation to know the boss. I can actually know the guy in charge? He wants to know me...that much. I better sit down and think about it for awhile.

Maybe i can accept being saved,

then again,

maybe i can't.

Well with great sadness my parents have gone home. Yes, after being in our house for six weeks we were still sad they left. Their time here confirmed that i am blessed and we are loved. There were no movie scenes of splendor or gut wrenching moments. We simply had a really good time and enjoyed each others presence....which brings us to the fact that they are now gone for at least another year and unless tragedy (or windfall!) brings us to the states we have no way to see them. So, it is with great sadness i report we had a really great time.

Between trips to the beach in Nacala, Toby's Masai birthday party (including blood-like milk and spear-throwing contests), picnics in the bush, eating out, wonderful trips to Chocas de Mar where we stayed literally 30 feet from the beach as well as a interesting and educational visit to Ilha de Mocambique (oldest western structure still standing in southern Africa outside the 500 year old Portuguese fort) we managed to spend lots of time resting and relaxing, playing with the boys.

For our last 'cultural event' we took them to was a church service in which they were presented gifts. It was wonderful to see the church we honor them. Some in the church are close friends of mine and although it was a short service (2.5 hours) they were glad to have been there and enjoy worship in a different language and culture.

Funny, i remember something like them saying the house is quiet without the kids around (me and my brother) and we kind of feel the same. It is strange not to have them here with us. So.

Farewell Mom and Dad. Thank you for all you brought, gifts, physical help, fixing stuff...but mostly thanks for bringing yourselves.

We love you.