Have you ever been lost at sea? How about stuck on hold indefinitely? Well, for the past few weeks I have. Between fall coming here to New England, my aunt passing away, one of my best friend's wife having a miscarriage and being caught in this seemingly endless delay to go to Africa I am lost.

I have had days were I just imagine that I am making the biggest mistake of my life and now having a family the weight of that thought is larger than ever. I have cried out of sheer desperation knowing that I do not have what it takes to do the work there and I will surely fail. I have felt guilty for being stuck here waiting. I have been angry at myself for during this time when I should be seeking God, drawing from my faith and the peace that lives in me, instead I fret and whine and complain...Or get angry and mad...Or throw a pity party...Or am overwhelmed by guilt for not being who I should be.

So, have you ever been lost at sea? How about left on an island? It feels...lonely. Now, don't get me wrong I am not asking for 'revelation' like John got on Patmos nor am I like Paul (a prisoner) shipwrecked on some other island, nor, do I feel like I am disobeying God and need to be kicked off a ship and swallowed by a giant fish. I just want a bone, something to chew on, something, anything.

I think I have said it before, I want an authentic faith and I want a God who listens to me. Because He wants to, not because of anything I do. More specifically because of who I am in Jesus has made it possible that even with all the things I do do He still wants to talk with me.

So God if you are listening, here I am. I am waiting. I will try to better about the selfishness thing and about feeling sorry for myself, but just let me know what I should be doing. The island is starting to look a little too familiar if you know what I mean.

If you find yourself on an island, granted my situation is strange, I am with you brother/sister. You are not alone. And really, God is with you too, you just may not realize it... funny, i spend a lot of time in introspection and meditation but it is hard to got off myself and think of God or others. So that is where i am going to begin, not to avoid the island experience, but to look at it form another perspective.

So i am going to go do some good deeds and start at least rowing, even if i don't know where!