Unfathomable

When Toby came into my life nearly 10 years ago i had no idea what God was doing. I was unprepared, not anticipating nor expecting to have children. I could not have imagined the joy, pride and laughter I would receive. Then when Ben came i just got excited, waiting for God to continue to reveal Himself to me in new...crazier ways, just as He had with Toby.

If you have been following us on Facebook at all you may know i have had a LOT of time with my two awesome boys. A LOT. Cami has been in South Africa since February 7th at which point i became the man…and mom and cook and everyone else…. We have had a lot of good times, some really special moments and some...well, not so special. But overall it has been great to be with them mano-el-mano, Just me and them.

I was thinking about all this today staring at Ben. Now, Ben is a strong willed, 100% kid. When he loves he does it with gusto, when he gets mad, same 100%. He is learning to control these things and how to appropriately demonstrate his range of emotions and after every 'event' i always ask him, "You know i still love you? Right?" And all of the time he answers yes, sometimes seriously and sometimes with a "oh course Dad." So i feel pretty good about that. Really. It is THE most important thing i can teach them, that they will always, always, always be loved no matter what they do. But today it went to new depths. I had one of those moments of God saying to me, 'But do you really know how much I love you?".

I have experienced and felt the love of God often and i can honestly say i KNOW it, i can taste it, almost smell it at times. But today i was struck by the fact that Ben has NO IDEA the depth of my love for him or what i would do to show it. The level of commitment i have to him he cannot understand. It is simply beyond his capability to comprehend. He cannot fathom the pain i am willing to endure for him or the cost i am willing to pay for his welfare or safety. He also has no real understanding of the joy he brings me or the delight I find in who he is.

I thought all this in a split second as he made up a song while eating his sandwich across the table from me at lunch. And then it hit me,

I cannot fathom the love God has for me.

I still cannot imagine the pain he felt during his betrayal, or even on the road as he walked and his disciples still didn't understand what he was saying, or the pain he felt as he hefted the punishment for all our sins onto himself. I cannot imagine the alone-ness he felt separated for the first time form his father.

I cannot understand His love for me.

I have trouble believing he loves me, personally so much he came from eternity (not opulence or comfort, but ETERNITY)to save me. He gave it all up to save me from myself and reunite me with the Father.

I cannot grasp it.

As i look at Ben and he says he knows...he knows so little. I have no words to describe it or explain it. But as he grows my love will be revealed a little at a time and he will understand it more and more. It is the same with me. As i mature...(or just get older) i understand more of His love for me. I understand more and more of what He suffered for me. What he endured for me and the depth of His love for me. I also understand more that he delights in me. He loves who I am. It leaves me speechless….and then having to talk about it.

May you, as you grow, learn and walk with Him understand His love more and more. May you feel His love, see it and taste it. Draw close to him my friends; there is no one who loves you more. That would be impossible.