The happy slave...

As we approach our 3 year anniversary of being in Mozambique (which by the way has felt like home the moment we stepped off the plane) I have found a sentiment creeping back into my soul and growing in bitterness. I share this not to purge myself of my sin or convict you but to show you how God has been working in my life. Because if I cannot see it, describe it and know God is working in my life, actively and carefully, I don’t have a relationship with God, I am only practicing some religion and I indeed am a fool (alright maybe I am a fool anyway!).

I was sharing with a close friend here how sometimes I feel left behind, forgotten and uncared for by many back in the dear terra paterna. Sorry but even churches don’t communicate or reply very well to emails and letters. And after a while it begins to hurt. It hurts deep. These who espoused your bravery, praised your conviction and promised to support you through thick and thin have seemingly dropped you from their to-do lists and the monthly deposits which sustain your bread and butter have gotten waylaid somewhere between their good intentions and your account. My ‘best friends’ write to say they pray for me every night but don’t write more about their lives let alone try to figure out mine. And the hurt grows deeper and somewhere, loneliness springs from deep in my heart. Loneliness gives way to bitterness and bitterness creeps up and suddenly, I find myself angry and asking, “What more do I have to sacrifice? Is it not enough to be thousands of miles from family, to not be able to grieve as all my grandparents have died while overseas, is it not enough to live frugally, live days away from ‘adequate medical care’ and risk diseases that will kill my children if I don’t figure it out soon enough? Is it not enough to have very few same-culture friendships and constantly have to interpret and try to understand what in the world your brothers are saying? And language, to function in a language which is not my own (nor am I any good at)? Is it not enough to leave any hope of retiring ‘well’ and with a sense of security…these are some of the sacrifices I have made. Lord when is it enough?” And I asked my friend, “are they not enough? Do i now have to live in poverty and struggle alone, cut off from friends and family? Does anyone care anymore? Have I not sacrificed enough?

I do not believe this is a new phenomenon nor am I alone in these feelings and I think it shows possible a weakness in this ‘faith-based’ support raising system. But more than that I think it shows my need for God. You see even while our support seemed to drop to a trickle and vehicle and health costs caught us off guard, God did provide. Even when I felt most alone and grappled in the dark with this loneliness He was with me. The times when the besetting sin seemed too much to bear, He came and gave me an exit. Thankfully we have been spared medical tragedy so far. And please don’t get me wrong, yes, I choose to obey the calling of God for my life and come to Africa, Happily! I do love living and working here. But sometimes if I don’t pay attention to my heart, loneliness creeps up and turns to bitterness and bitterness…..well….

Last week after spewing these not so pretty thoughts I was able to spend some quality time alone with God and I asked specifically for a answer. Not for more support or letters or emails. These inconsistencies happen and often innocently enough….and honestly God knows what is going on. But I asked more for insight in what was going on in my heart. And here is what HE said.


"Suppose one of you had a servant plowing or looking after the sheep. Would he say to the servant when he comes in from the field, 'Come along now and sit down to eat'? Would he not rather say, 'Prepare my supper, get yourself ready and wait on me while I eat and drink; after that you may eat and drink'? Would he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.' "
Luke 17:7-10



I walked around for a day feeling severely rebuked. Ashamed of my selfish and ungrateful heart.

Another version reads “We are unprofitable servants, because that which we owed to do -- we have done.”

Do you hear it? ‘that which we owed to do’.

My life, my calling, my sacrifice is only a portion of what I owe to Christ. It is my obligation to suffer for his sake. To make less of my wants and hardships and more of Him and his sacrifice for me…for you and all.

Paul had it right, in 1 Cor. 9:17 he states he is ‘under compulsion’ and will not preach the gospel for any other reward. Paul is saying he has to do it, has no choose so to speak. This I can understand as many years ago I stood at a crossroads and wondered if I should choose the college professor route, buy a house, have a nice new car….but it was clear to me then as it now, this is my calling and my place. There is no other.

We could go on from here and talk about all Christ has sacrificed for us but that would be ahead of the issue. Isn’t our breath and life owed to God? Isn’t each day a gift? All its challenges and struggles, laughs and joy, are not all these things, all these moments gifts form our creator? Do we not then owe Him our lives for that alone? Grace, mercy, forgiveness…these are things down the road.

But let us go back to Jesus’ words. 9Would he thank the servant because he did what he was told to do? 10So you also, when you have done everything you were told to do, should say, 'We are unworthy servants; we have only done our duty.' " Remember, He had just talked to his disciples about sin and how we are forgive (and not have pride, holding back our forgiveness of those who continually stumble). Would it be too much to say possibly the disciples were feeling…they were ‘it’ and could hold back grace when in fact Jesus said to them, “you dopes, you owe me everything and obeying me is obligatory so get off your duffs and do what you are told.

Funny we don’t like this kind of talk from Jesus. I never did like the parables of the talents either…they seemed unfair. HA. Mercy given to others….punishment avoided by the deserving and those who earned something…well they are treated in accordance to how the Master chooses...

We owe Him.

Everything else, all good things, all grace and mercy we receive are bonus! Pure unadulterated signs of His love.

So in conclusion I am not as startled by the correction. It is true and sober reflection and a harsh reminder of how far and quickly my heart can wander from the truth. But what meant even more to me as the days go by is that God heard me, and for this I am SO thankful. He saw my sinking and pulled me up—in his grace through rebuke and correction, now I stand firm again. Resting completely in His mercy and knowing all I do here is only what is owed to Him. For He is my mighty king and before I become his son I am His slave—gladly.