Silent.
Very silent.

Seems towards the end of last year i became...despondent. Here we call it burn-out.

I have been distant from my friends, family and sadly, God.

So over our break over December i did some soul-searching and found myself wanting. I have been so task oriented and preoccupied with the wrong questions that i felt empty. It is a terrible thing to feel empty. To feel what you do doesn't really matter, that in this world nothing will change. That we have no effect on the restlessness and fear in the hearts of those we love.

So i have been thinking and praying. You would find me talking on the beach as if to myself. You would hear me mumble and sing quietly while everyone was sleeping. I thought about Jesus. I thought about the beginning of his love. The beginning of my relationship with him. Where have i gone? What has happened? I remember deep feelings, of hearing him in the wind, of being lost in wonder--often. O f being lost in love with my creator and friend.

So i am retreating to the beginning. Before the silence.

I have gone back to reading the Bible from Genesis where out of the silence God spoke and there was. Where he separated dark from light, gathered the land together, spoke trees and plants, animals and birds and fish into existence. When he set stars in motion and the earth spinning to govern the time and give order to our days. He blessed it all. He said it was good. And then he made you and i to rule, manage, enjoy and take care of this creation. And then he said it was VERY good. But better yet is what we find after that. God walked with Adam. He strolled with him. They sat together, God would call the animals in front and Adam would name it. I picture them sitting as friends on a smooth rock chatting, admiring the garden, the creation possibly silent, knowingly, in union and agreement. Knowing what they have between them is different than all this. Relationship between creator and creation is special, but relationship between man and his God is deeper, stronger, intimate. And it can be silent.

It is a beautiful picture. Silence. Well, i realized that for the last 6 months i have been failing to remember this. The world i live in is hurting, struggling and at times, dieing. Believers i know live between fear and fate. I have walked slowly away looking for Him when all the while he had been waiting for me. Quietly, patiently waiting for me, to sit, to agree with him, to remember things. And that is what i have started to do. But it is difficult to be quiet. To see the terrible work of our own hands against one another. To see Satan stealing faith and joy, to not become angry, hut, despondent. Yet, i know now, again that in this world of pain and suffering there is glory. There is peace beyond the surface of our circumstances. There is silence that is love.

I think this silence is bigger than love. This thing, this love began before we existed, God loved us, wanted us to share HIM. I think what exists between man and God is larger than we can imagine. Richer, fuller, more peaceful and full of grace than we can imagine. And this the beginning i am returning to this year.

Or at least that is what i hear on this smooth rock with my God.