If i told you i was a bad missionary would you believe me?

Recently having arrived in Mozambique my inadequacies, laziness and ineptness are shining through. Maybe not to others but to me they are glaring. I have been told just being able ot survive is a accomplishment, and i probably agree. But shouldn't i be doing more than just surviving?

Life in Africa is hard and for most it is harder than i can imagine. No running water, electricity, medical care is marginal, disease is everywhere, no jobs (forget about travel, vacation or 'extra money') and to top it off a worldview that it is rather...well pessimistic and fatalistic. So here i come complaining that the Internet in my home isn't fast enough, my large 4x4 is going to take weeks to repair, i have to wake up at 5:30 to feed the children...and my work is so vague i really can't DO much for months. And all the while literally the neighbors are going hungry, literally.
So i ask you what is a 'good' missionary? I have given rides to the neighbors to the hospital, i have sat and talked with my workers, even bought them Bibles, i have prayed with their sick wives. I have been trying to form relationships but know it takes months if not years for them to trust a outsiders. I have visited their homes and tried to listen to their stories. I know that i need to learn from them more now than they need to learn form me and i know that God is in control of it all, but i feel like i am accomplishing nothing...and therefore feel like a bad missionary.

And then i think...time, things take time. Is my family happy? Am i raising my boys to really know God and see Him in my life? Is my wife content (if not happy!)? Do i provide for them as best i can? Am i making a positive impact in the lives around me so that others may know Christ and the freedom He brings? Can i learn a new culture (or multiple cultures as there are here in Nampula), can i establish a home that is safe for my family and welcoming for visitors? Can i handle my newly determined wealth in a respectful and generous. In other words am i being a good father, husband, steward, brother, son, neighbor...

There seems to be a large gap between what we should BE and what we DO and sometimes i get confused. If you have ever felt like me...sorry, but hold on, Christ looks at the heart and in fact a major complaint Jesus had against the religious people of the day was that they did stuff but didn't love. Didn't love, didn't forgive.

I was told by a missionary that the thing the Africans need to hear is love. They have heard preaching, theology and seen a stream of good intentioned people trying to help them but rarely has it been a consistant, long term message of love.

So, i am not a good missionary. Fine, i am also a terrible Christian but hey, gives God more room to work through me and i don't have to depend on my own strength, knowledge or will. I have to depend Him. I have to give His love, i have to listen to the Holy Spirit and love. whew.

God, give me yourself. Free me from my own rules and demands. and may we know your love...

and give it away and in so doing be all you want us to be.