Unfathomable

When Toby came into my life nearly 10 years ago i had no idea what God was doing. I was unprepared, not anticipating nor expecting to have children. I could not have imagined the joy, pride and laughter I would receive. Then when Ben came i just got excited, waiting for God to continue to reveal Himself to me in new...crazier ways, just as He had with Toby.

If you have been following us on Facebook at all you may know i have had a LOT of time with my two awesome boys. A LOT. Cami has been in South Africa since February 7th at which point i became the man…and mom and cook and everyone else…. We have had a lot of good times, some really special moments and some...well, not so special. But overall it has been great to be with them mano-el-mano, Just me and them.

I was thinking about all this today staring at Ben. Now, Ben is a strong willed, 100% kid. When he loves he does it with gusto, when he gets mad, same 100%. He is learning to control these things and how to appropriately demonstrate his range of emotions and after every 'event' i always ask him, "You know i still love you? Right?" And all of the time he answers yes, sometimes seriously and sometimes with a "oh course Dad." So i feel pretty good about that. Really. It is THE most important thing i can teach them, that they will always, always, always be loved no matter what they do. But today it went to new depths. I had one of those moments of God saying to me, 'But do you really know how much I love you?".

I have experienced and felt the love of God often and i can honestly say i KNOW it, i can taste it, almost smell it at times. But today i was struck by the fact that Ben has NO IDEA the depth of my love for him or what i would do to show it. The level of commitment i have to him he cannot understand. It is simply beyond his capability to comprehend. He cannot fathom the pain i am willing to endure for him or the cost i am willing to pay for his welfare or safety. He also has no real understanding of the joy he brings me or the delight I find in who he is.

I thought all this in a split second as he made up a song while eating his sandwich across the table from me at lunch. And then it hit me,

I cannot fathom the love God has for me.

I still cannot imagine the pain he felt during his betrayal, or even on the road as he walked and his disciples still didn't understand what he was saying, or the pain he felt as he hefted the punishment for all our sins onto himself. I cannot imagine the alone-ness he felt separated for the first time form his father.

I cannot understand His love for me.

I have trouble believing he loves me, personally so much he came from eternity (not opulence or comfort, but ETERNITY)to save me. He gave it all up to save me from myself and reunite me with the Father.

I cannot grasp it.

As i look at Ben and he says he knows...he knows so little. I have no words to describe it or explain it. But as he grows my love will be revealed a little at a time and he will understand it more and more. It is the same with me. As i mature...(or just get older) i understand more of His love for me. I understand more and more of what He suffered for me. What he endured for me and the depth of His love for me. I also understand more that he delights in me. He loves who I am. It leaves me speechless….and then having to talk about it.

May you, as you grow, learn and walk with Him understand His love more and more. May you feel His love, see it and taste it. Draw close to him my friends; there is no one who loves you more. That would be impossible.

As I crawled around the floor mopping up water I began to get slightly…agitated. It just wasn’t fair. It reminded me of an a feeling a week earlier when I was doing the millionth batch of dishes, after just completing load 6 of laundry (which to dry in rainy season is…a challenge to get dry) and I looked to my right and Cami was laying on our comfy bed watching a movie happily. A feeling crept up in me which I think we can call “a scream against primal injustice”. I knew she couldn’t help due to her 2nd herniated disk…poor thing—really. I had mentally reviewed my marriage vows and did remember something about sickness and health. But none of this made me feel any better.

So as I slopped around the floor for over an hour my back began to hurt and my soul began to sense bitterness creeping in. (Cami had left our laundry machine tap on—we have a manual feed, twin tub-- so had flooded the house). I had been struggling to find peace in this change of plans as coming back from our Christmas break I had wanted to start more classes and get out more with my students but with Cami limited I needed to stay home to take care of the boys, her, the house and everything else (new land, car repairs, floods…). I had been feeling well, you now, the “well with my soul” kind of good with my daily devotions becoming more, well, daily, started being more deliberate with devotions for the boys in the ams. So why was I feeling this way? What could I do about it?

So I decided to put on my ipod and listen to some music and an amazing thing happened. I was humbled, lifted and empowered. Let me tell you how.

I began by telling you how I had been feeling and yet I carried on and did the work. I accepted the praise of my friend’s wives and those around who know what it takes to live here in northern Mozambique. I took solace in knowing others thought good of me and my sacrifice. I somehow felt encouraged by the praise of others and well of myself.

So as I listened to “I boast no more” by Ceadmons Call it began to dawn on me that I was missing the point. Worse than missing the point, all that I can possibly do, for Cami or to make others think better of me or even for Christ’s glory is nothing, absolutely nothing. I offer trash before the King of the universe and say, ‘how’s that?”. Oh, the shame, the subtle boasts we lay at God’s feet. The horror of thinking that I had possibly something worth offering to God for it is only through Christ I am saved, it is only due to him that ANYTHING I do is pleasing to God. “The best obedience of my hands, dares not appear before thy throne”. So I then repented and continued to mop with my towel, sweat and tears falling on the floor. I began to see that even in this lowly act I can glorify Him and for Him I must act. I began to change again, to be transformed. I had moved my soul back into a trajectory with my God.

Brother Lawrence wrote a book I read when I first became truly serious in my journey with Christ as my savior. Called The Practice of the Presence of God (if you have never read it you can find a free version here at http://www.practicegodspresence.com/brotherlawrence/index.html). It changed me then and I was reminded of the simple practice of seeking and living in His presence, of actively being a living sacrifice and conversing with Him constantly, of making the presence of God something like breathing, organic and natural. Oh, how I had lost this. Oh, how far I was from the simple act. I had ventured far into wanting to gain merit and seek praise, in the humblest of ways. Oh, to rest in Him, it is what I had longed for.

And then came the joy. “I boast no more of the duties I have done, quit the hopes I held before to trust the merits of thy son.” Due to Christ alone I could be accepted and stand before God and worship. A life made worthy by Him and Him alone. Mopping the floor, wiping my wife’s brow as she vomits, chasing the monkeys into bed, fixing the truck…
All for His glory and because of Him I can do these things.

I boast no more.

GPS or Map.

As i have covered a fair portion of the eastern seaboard and out to Ohio in the last few months i have become somewhat dependant on my GPS. It tells me where to turn, when to turn and how to go in any particular direction. It has been strange really, as someone who enjoys reading and following maps, to only know what lies a short distance ahead.

I remember being a kid in the back seat, continually asking "are we there yet", i remember constantly thinking of the destination, being transfixed by the memory of the last time we were at the Jellystone Campground or the first time we went to Disney Magic Kingdom and replaying the commercials in my mind. Even going to Africa i was always thinking ahead to where and who we would be working with (even now). The 'between' was almost insignificant, all that mattered was the destination and getting there any way we could...But it appears that this has all changed.

I have sensed within me a change in that now the 'here to there' is just as important as the destination itself. It is almost as if the destination has lost it's importance. The journey must be as entertaining, as economical and as easy as possible. Almost to the point where the goal has lost its value.

Maybe we in this age of GPS, high speed Internet, instant news and online shopping have forgotten where we are actually going (what we are living for). Where is it all leading us to? I have to say, Cami and i did some 'cost assessment' of going back to Mozambique and honestly, it was hard. We know what the journey entails, we know where this road leads and it is sometimes uncomfortable if not very unpleasant. But, and here is what makes it all worth while, the destination, the goal is empowering a life, healing a broken spirit and seeing people return to wholeness. If you are asking what i am talking about i am speaking of having a right relationship with God, of knowing him and living a life you were designed for, created for. To be at peace with God. That goal, leading people to know and love God, living a life to glorify him, must always be in front of me--in front of us as believers. If we are overwhelmed and consumed by the journey, if cannot see five steps ahead, if we are not conscious of our goal or destination, what good is enjoying the ride?

So the GPS method isn't necessarily bad, to watch each step, to look only a few paces ahead is a good thing, but you have to have to the end in mind. We have got to know where we are going, clearly before us or the journey may just kill us.

Are we really ready to travel the byroads, dark alleys and dangerous curves to accomplish something bigger than ourselves? Are we ready to see the destination and know deep down the sacrifice of our pride, our selfish will and let go of thinking we know better than God himself (read his book...he spells so much out)that we can live a proactive, thoughtful, introspective and compassionate life for God.

I don't know about you, but i am willing to try.

Learning still.

“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.[a]
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised.” Job 1:21

Blessed be the name of the Lord,
when i am found with headaches and viruses that willn't quit.

Blessed be His name when i am running a half marathon,

Blessed be His name when i am looking at support shortages with no (worldly) hope of reaching.

Blessed be His name when the generosity of others surprises us.

Blessed be His name remembering my Tabitha dying in my arms.

Blessed be the name of the Lord when i am tired and discouraged.

Blessed be His name as i prepare to return home to be confronted again by suffering and confusion.

Blessed be His name as i walk yet another day with the creator of the universe.


1 Praise the LORD.
Praise the LORD, you his servants;
praise the name of the LORD.
2 Let the name of the LORD be praised,
both now and forevermore.
3 From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
the name of the LORD is to be praised.

4 The LORD is exalted over all the nations,
his glory above the heavens.
5 Who is like the LORD our God,
the One who sits enthroned on high,
6 who stoops down to look
on the heavens and the earth? Psalm 113

Funny what a change of perspective can do. Turn your eyes on the author and perfecter of your faith. See Him for who he is and worship Him.

Blessed be His name. This is our God. This is our help and assurance.
Blessed be His name.

I have been mulling on this section of the disciples journey with Jesus for a while and have gotten to preach on it twice. So, maybe as we remember Jesus suffering adn dieing for us this week....and then rising from the dead (!) take some time and think about who he is to you.

30 Miles north...

Do you remember playing follow the leader? Wasn’t it the popular kid (yes there was popular kids in kindergarten) and the extent you thought he or she was cool or trusted the person you would follow them anywhere. But there was no shortcut or avoidance of the hard stuff, the monkey bars, the swamp….you had to go through it or you were out, cut off, blackballed on the playground.

I was thinking about this as i read the account in Mathew 15 and 16 of Jesus with his disciples only a few weeks before his passionate entry to Jerusalem.
If you read Mathew 15 we find Jesus and his crew on the shore of Galilee. For three days the people brought him their wounded and their sick. Eventually they were hungry and Jesus could take it no more and he turned to his guys and said, "feed them." They hemmed and hawed a little but eventually gave Jesus what they had and he fed everybody! Jesus, most likely being pretty tired decided it was a good time to leave and they left to Magadan only to be confronted by Pharisees and Sadducees who demanded sign (everybody wants a sign!). He turns to them and says, “Nearly three years have gone by and still you cannot see who I am”. I think it is safe to say Jesus was fed up. So he tells them "the only sign you're going to get is the sign of Jonah"...What was the sign of Jonah? 3 days/3nights and rise again and we all know saddly, they didn't understand it in the end either.

So, at this point Jesus is fed up and decides to head back across where is confronted by his own disciples lack of understanding. They couldn't get their mind of of lunch and Jesus had to sit them down and spell it out for them. Funny how often Jesus spoke of spiritual mattes and people simply missed it. In John 3 Nicodemus wonders how he can be born again--literally. In John 4 the woman at the well wants a bucket of the living water stuff and in John 6 the crowds don't want to be cannibals so almost everyone takes off. Jesus tries repeatedly to get us off the physical and into the spiritual. How often do we miss it to?

What struck me was that at this point Jesus decides to take his boys for a walk. Thirty miles north, out of the way. They head away from Jerusalem to a place called Ceaseria Phillipi (CP). Now we find Jesus is retreating to be with his disciples
to an ancient pagan area. Now, there was this valley/canyon where the Greeks believed was the ‘gateway to Hades’. There was a spring in the bottom and they built a temple there. Pagans came from all over to worship and make sacrifices. And it is here is where Jesus puts the question to his disciples.

“Who do the people say the Son of Man is?” (v. 13)

So how do they respond? Well they start giving the 3rd person answers. "Some say it was John", "others say it was Elijah," and still others say it was Jeremiah". Each answer was good, not the right answer, but not bad. John, prepared the way for Christ, calling for repentance and holiness, Elijah was a man of prayer and Jeremiah was a suffering man of God. Each was a good answer coming from a Jew of the time but each was missing the completeness and entirety of Jesus is. After all they had seen, all they had witnessed firsthand Jesus brought them to the point of declaration.

You can see them walking along talking about the conversations that were happening around them. Maybe people came up next to them and joined in...but what Jesus wanted to know was "what about you, who do you say I am?” The third-person is wimpy way out isn’t it? Up until now Jesus let them get away with it. But he knew they had to OWN the answer.

And our dear, favorite foot-in-mouth disciple, Peter answers not flippantly but strongly….”You are the Christ”, (the Messiah, Anointed One, the son of the living God). And Christ turns to Peter and you can almost feel the excitement in Jesus' words, "you are right, you didn't understand this from any human understanding!"
He didn’t ‘get it’ because he was with Jesus 3 years, or went to seminary or because he had a great mentor or a BIG Bible…or even that he studied and memorized the words of Jesus, but because the Father revealed it to him. (It is all about grace isn't it?! Even our poor understanding is a gift!).

On this declaration of who he is Jesus says the church will prevail. Build on this "rock" petria (bedrock) on Christ the Son of the living God. Nothing will replace it, stand against it or overcome it. Not "petros" (rock-Peter) but the declaration of who Christ is.“And the gates of Hades will not prevail against it” (16 v.18) Interesting point here that a gate is defensive, the church should be offensive--aggressively bringing light into darkness. Attacking the forces of evil...and prevailing (hmmm).


So we would imagine at this point the disciples were pretty pumped and ready to go…but what does Jesus say? “SHHHHH, don't tell anyone” v. 20.

WHAT!? It makes sense knowing now that Jesus would go on to take up all our sin and bear it on a tree, die in our stead and rise victorious over death. It wasn't time yet. He hadn't done all he set out to do.

So what did happen? “And from that time on Jesus went on to explain…that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things and be killed and on the third day raise again” (v. 21) Jesus would go on explaining it to them for at least 100 miles of walking. There were no iPods, radios, DVDs in the car…cars, they didn’t even travel by camel!
Now remember who Peter was, obviously Peter didn’t like to hear such things… it says he pulled Jesus aside and rebuked him. A loving, affectionate rebuke, really, and Jesus answers him equally sweetly? Not really. Jesus turns to one of his closest friends and says, “Get behind me Satan” (v. 23). Simon, had spoken from a worldly perspective, he had revealed the mind of the enemy. But in the same moment i can see Jesus then putting his arm around Peter’s shoulder, everyone is quiet, (maybe they heard the words of Jesus and they were stunned), but Jesus gazes at the rest of the followers and seizes the moment and turning to the rest of the disciples and says, “If anyone would come after me he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me”.(V.24).

Deny yourself, ice cream? Luxury? No, deny yourself…your desires and rights.

"If you say i am the Christ, voluntarily, completely follow me, where-ever i lead you."


This was the call, the appeal, the offer. To renounce everything we are, ever were or are to be and be completely utterly his. To submit to his words and teaching. To renounce our previous ways isn’t enough. This was total surrender and the Jewish nature in these guys understood it. They had just heard the rah-rah speech given to Peter and were pretty pumped. Jesus here calls for a little more seriousness here.
It as if Jesus was saying, "This kingdom of love and grace and freedom you have found in me will grow but you must decide who I am, voluntarily come, deny yourself and submit to my words faithfully….until the end".

Jesus had taken them 30 miles north of where they were spiritually to confront them with a decision. To decide who he really was to them. He took them there, somewhere special, to tell them something pivotal, important and empowering.

Follow the leader. If we believe WHO Jesus is we will DO what he asks of us and go where He leads us. So this Easter, stop and ask yourself,

Who do you say He is?