On being broken

I was reading through some blogs i frequent and thinking of some people i love and realised that for the most part those who are most balanced, most able to take their knocks, are those who have been broken.
This isn't a 'badge' thing but more of a personal observance thing. For those who don't know i lost a baby daughter two years ago and i was broken. It changes things. Life takes on a new perspective. What i am thankful for now is different than what i used to be thankful for. The phrase 'it could always be worse' is actually true. To keep this 'cup-half-full' mentality going one only needs to think of Jesus. He knew from the getgo he would be heckled, hassled, sleep in the cold, wander homeless, be betrayed, be wrongly accused, unfairly judged and then murbered for it. Now that sucks. And he knew it all going in!
For me, i had no idea what suffering is and as a good old american i never thought it would happen to me. Don't we all think that? "Well, i'll never get cancer" or "My marriage will never fall apart".But these things happen--to us, to someone you know. I recently was talking to someone i love dearly who has a had a bit of a bad year. Job situation sucks, family is limping along, made some bad choices...and now is sitting broken. He is slowing putting things in order and getting his life back and my thought this morning was, 'ok, now he is broken, he can start again'. It seems lately many i know are in some stage of being broken and some don't even know it. Some are fightened by it, some are denying it, some are running as fast as they can from it. And occassionally some are grasping it for all it is worth, for what it has to teach them.
I am still learning what my brokenness is about. I still miss my Tabitha and still don't have any answers about the why. But what i have learned is that brokenness becomes part of you. You do not 'get over it' and 'time doesn't heal all wounds', but brokenness/pain becomes part of who you are, you feel more deeply, hopefully have more compassion for others and are able to identify with a whole other group of people.
If you are somewhere in this process, experiencing pain and being broken, i am sorry. It is not fun. But you will survive. Others have, you can. What i can tell you is that knowing jesus and having a relationship with God (mind you not church--church often doesn't help)you can come out stonger, healthier and with peace.
Jesus went through a lot of junk. He suffered. He knows what it is like.
Have some peace and know i am for you, behind you...and if i could i would be with you.
Peace

Here is our new house! We are so thankful!




We moved to Nampula, Mozambique a few months ago and live a short distance outside the city (one of 3-4 houses with electricity on our street) and didn't know we had neighbors until Toby and i climbed a giant rock behind the house and saw the over 300 huts! These are very typical and do not have running water or electricity.




Here is view outside of town. The large hills are actually rocks which are amazing. I have yet to climb one but and working on making it happen. Unfortunately they are often connected with ancestor worship and therefore when a Christian climbs one it is considered strange, if not blasphemous.

Say Hello to 'Ben the Destroyer' or as the lego people call him, 'Giant Baby of Death'

If i told you i was a bad missionary would you believe me?

Recently having arrived in Mozambique my inadequacies, laziness and ineptness are shining through. Maybe not to others but to me they are glaring. I have been told just being able ot survive is a accomplishment, and i probably agree. But shouldn't i be doing more than just surviving?

Life in Africa is hard and for most it is harder than i can imagine. No running water, electricity, medical care is marginal, disease is everywhere, no jobs (forget about travel, vacation or 'extra money') and to top it off a worldview that it is rather...well pessimistic and fatalistic. So here i come complaining that the Internet in my home isn't fast enough, my large 4x4 is going to take weeks to repair, i have to wake up at 5:30 to feed the children...and my work is so vague i really can't DO much for months. And all the while literally the neighbors are going hungry, literally.
So i ask you what is a 'good' missionary? I have given rides to the neighbors to the hospital, i have sat and talked with my workers, even bought them Bibles, i have prayed with their sick wives. I have been trying to form relationships but know it takes months if not years for them to trust a outsiders. I have visited their homes and tried to listen to their stories. I know that i need to learn from them more now than they need to learn form me and i know that God is in control of it all, but i feel like i am accomplishing nothing...and therefore feel like a bad missionary.

And then i think...time, things take time. Is my family happy? Am i raising my boys to really know God and see Him in my life? Is my wife content (if not happy!)? Do i provide for them as best i can? Am i making a positive impact in the lives around me so that others may know Christ and the freedom He brings? Can i learn a new culture (or multiple cultures as there are here in Nampula), can i establish a home that is safe for my family and welcoming for visitors? Can i handle my newly determined wealth in a respectful and generous. In other words am i being a good father, husband, steward, brother, son, neighbor...

There seems to be a large gap between what we should BE and what we DO and sometimes i get confused. If you have ever felt like me...sorry, but hold on, Christ looks at the heart and in fact a major complaint Jesus had against the religious people of the day was that they did stuff but didn't love. Didn't love, didn't forgive.

I was told by a missionary that the thing the Africans need to hear is love. They have heard preaching, theology and seen a stream of good intentioned people trying to help them but rarely has it been a consistant, long term message of love.

So, i am not a good missionary. Fine, i am also a terrible Christian but hey, gives God more room to work through me and i don't have to depend on my own strength, knowledge or will. I have to depend Him. I have to give His love, i have to listen to the Holy Spirit and love. whew.

God, give me yourself. Free me from my own rules and demands. and may we know your love...

and give it away and in so doing be all you want us to be.

SHEESH!
You would think we had dropped off the face of the planet...well, sort of. We landed here in Mozambique a few months ago and began a move north to the island of Nampula (ok, not really a island--in fact 3 hours form the beach).

Life here has been...well, busy. Between learning new ways of doing stuff, organising a new house, overseeing construction, training workers, visiting missionaries, africans, churches and generally trying to get our bearings.

I don't have much to say tonight as i am simply exhausted but wanted to say we are NOW ONLINE IN OUR HOME! Praise God.

We have missed you all and look forward to getting back in touch!

We are well, no sicknesses, cool nights and we are in good spirits, happy to be here where God sent us.

Send us an email or respond to this if there is something you wanted to know!

and Mike, where is Toby's cat?

His
Kevin