I didn't think i would ever do this but i have to comment on a movie.
I went to the movies the other night with a friend and have to say

DON'T GO SEE Mel's 'ACOPOLYPTO'.

Oh my, what a senseless, hopeless, viscous, bloody depressing film.
There, i said it. My movie review. (Mind you, i like Pulp fiction and TLOTR movies and Magnolia)

Sorry. I really wish the images would be blotted out of my memory!

Pause. Read this slow.

As some of us drift we look around. And sometimes, just sometimes we look up.

In the vastness of space, in the infinite array of stars, in the galaxies upon galaxies, in the endless miles, no, light years we cannot even glimpse the end of the universe. In the immeasurable space where our galaxy gets lost, let alone our planet, we as individuals are puny, unrecognizable, yet we live like we are all that matters, like everything revolves around us. Me.

And yet, in all this, even though we are so ridiculously small, God, the Creator of all, not only was mindful that we exist, but choose to come here and be one of us. And then he did the unthinkable he died for us.

Now i have been feeling small and lost and have found out that i am not alone, in fact many feel the same way in their Christianity, in their relationship with God. I now have been reminded that i am small, insignificantly tiny compared to the scope of the universe, in the size and scope of a God i still don't understand. And yet---and yet He not only is mindful of me, but He loves a speck like me. He came for me, He lived for me, He died for me. He...for me and for a moment i don't feel so small, so lost. I may not be able to understand Him, or grasp all He is or all He's done for me but this i can do, i can hold Jesus the baby. I can imagine and feel the love of a baby. I can get my mind and arms around an infant. Maybe that is why God sent him to us as a baby.

This season hold the baby. Start there. If you haven't held a baby lately, go find one and grab it. (ask the mother first :) And as you gaze in the eyes look for God.

Merry Christmas everyone.

My Dad and I were driving back from somewhere the other day and he casually mentioned, 'i read your blog and you sound..uh, uhm....(silence)...', at which point i interrupted and said, 'Adrift?'. That was basically the extent of our conversation. I am not knocking my Dad, he is a wonderful guy and he and i are close. Funny though, how when we go through times of doubt or pain or 'adriftness' we really don't have anything to say to each other that doesn't sound...well, pithy. I thank my Dad for not saying anything scripted or cliche and continue adrift.

I had spent the week previously driving some 2000+ miles to help with the renovations on my aunt and uncle's new house, making it wheelchair friendly. It was a lot of miles and work but it was fun and i really enjoyed the time doing something. The doing was who i was being for that period of time. I was enlightened on what my cousin Micheal's life is like now as a quadriplegic after an accident and really appreciate his openness. Strange, i think the time helped me more than them. I enjoy being a helper and not just in the physicality of life but in its living.

My Dad later mentioned to Cami that possibly i am depressed...well, possibly but i don't think so. Looking at my situation from a few hundred miles has helped for the simple fact that i am not here indefinitely and in fact, a few months or even years is nothing and will pass quickly as long as i get off my donkey and move (or row in reference to my last entry).

So as i begin rowing again i asked myself 'is this worth even writing', should i even bother to have a blog, is anyone listening? And my answer came quickly and clearly. Yes. So much of life is not spoken, so many good words, hard sayings and encouraging words are left adrift and not put to sea to another person also on this ocean journey of life. It is like we are afraid of being real, authentic or ...connected with others. So i am going to keep on writing for myself to process and hopefully find someone out there who needs to hear what i have to say. It is strange, we like to talk about the weather, sports and the latest sales but often don't talk about what is going in deep in our souls. We hesitate possibly because we don't know what to say. I believe the words are endless and need to be spoken. I also believe often the response should be one of empathy, not answers.
So i am rowing. Searching again to connect with God and fellow travelers. Thanks for listening and for those who empathize or join me, thanks. For those who simply read or take, enjoy the ride and don't forget, you are loved.

Have you ever been lost at sea? How about stuck on hold indefinitely? Well, for the past few weeks I have. Between fall coming here to New England, my aunt passing away, one of my best friend's wife having a miscarriage and being caught in this seemingly endless delay to go to Africa I am lost.

I have had days were I just imagine that I am making the biggest mistake of my life and now having a family the weight of that thought is larger than ever. I have cried out of sheer desperation knowing that I do not have what it takes to do the work there and I will surely fail. I have felt guilty for being stuck here waiting. I have been angry at myself for during this time when I should be seeking God, drawing from my faith and the peace that lives in me, instead I fret and whine and complain...Or get angry and mad...Or throw a pity party...Or am overwhelmed by guilt for not being who I should be.

So, have you ever been lost at sea? How about left on an island? It feels...lonely. Now, don't get me wrong I am not asking for 'revelation' like John got on Patmos nor am I like Paul (a prisoner) shipwrecked on some other island, nor, do I feel like I am disobeying God and need to be kicked off a ship and swallowed by a giant fish. I just want a bone, something to chew on, something, anything.

I think I have said it before, I want an authentic faith and I want a God who listens to me. Because He wants to, not because of anything I do. More specifically because of who I am in Jesus has made it possible that even with all the things I do do He still wants to talk with me.

So God if you are listening, here I am. I am waiting. I will try to better about the selfishness thing and about feeling sorry for myself, but just let me know what I should be doing. The island is starting to look a little too familiar if you know what I mean.

If you find yourself on an island, granted my situation is strange, I am with you brother/sister. You are not alone. And really, God is with you too, you just may not realize it... funny, i spend a lot of time in introspection and meditation but it is hard to got off myself and think of God or others. So that is where i am going to begin, not to avoid the island experience, but to look at it form another perspective.

So i am going to go do some good deeds and start at least rowing, even if i don't know where!

Jill
My favorite, closest aunt died two weeks ago. It came an s a surprise even though we all knew her death was imminent. She had battled terminal cancer for three years with grace and a bit of style. Whenever her doctor would allow she went on trips including a cross-country trip during which she visited many of her friends. She was a generous person with all her resources, she cherished her relationships with everyone and more than many, lived her life with compassion and deliberateness. I will miss her. Jill was one of a kind.

What I don’t know is if she knew Jesus. I know she knew of and about him, she attended church all her life, she followed the ‘rules’ of the Christian life and did many good things, but I don’t know if she had a relationship with him. I also don’t think it is important that I know….all I want, selfishly, is to know I will see her again. The Bible never talks of having a relationship with Jesus yet he speaks through the gospels as if we should be intimate with Him (“if you know me you will know the father who sent me…”and other references in John). It seems to me if we live like him, we will know him, but there holds something even more in the Christian life. So, maybe she is in heaven, sitting at the feast table, staring into the eyes of Jesus getting her questions answered.

I have been slack lately in pursuing my relationship with him. I have been lazy and preoccupied. But maybe, just maybe, he hasn’t. Does God act on our behalf? Does he seek us out? Does he care when we don’t take the time to know him? I believe the answer is yes and even more so I believe he wants to know us, he wants us to be like him. HE reminds us if we listen, if we are paying attention.

I was surprised by the quick end to my aunts’ life and as I reflect I do not want people to wonder if weather or not I know Jesus. But to do this I need to take the time, be deliberate and value all my relationships. I will start with him…

Thank you Jill. Enjoy the party.